It's been a while since I posted something on here. A lot has changed since then; most for the better, some for the worst.
I'm an optimist now.
When I started this blog, if I can remember correctly when that was, I was in a place in my life where I didn't see a lot to look forward to. I was at a school that I hate where I had no one to look to or even talk to other than 2 dimensional conversations in my classes. I missed being home so much, and therefore couldn't get a job because I knew that I would be home for three months in the summer. I barely talked to my family and the most important thing in my life at that point, Jon, was slipping through my fingers without me realizing. All of this was very hard on me and it took a toll on me through my personal life and my school work.
Almost everything is completely opposite from that now. I go to a school that I enjoy while living at home, which means I get to see my family on a very regular basis. I am forming friendships, slowly but surely, with people at school and with people that I work with. I have a job that, frankly, I love, whether that is because I looked so long for a job or that I just really like Best Buy or even a combo of the two.
The one thing that isn't opposite is Jon. I let him fall through my fingers. I used him as a crutch when I was at IU and that wasn't fair to him, but I thank God for him during that time, because I don't know if I would have made it through.
On to the point that I am really trying to get to - I'm now an optimist. It's a very good thing in the sense that I am happy. I am happier than I have been for a while now. I see things in a much lighter way. I'm a realistic optimist. I don't take things too seriously unless absolutely necessary because it's just a waste of time when it's not a big deal. I'm finding that through this optimism, I have become a better person, too. I've learned to open up and not be afraid to let people in. I don't lie about anything, when I used to lie to get out of things like hanging out with someone or skip class, etc, I do admit. I try to cherish every moment of my life if I can. I'm still stressed, but not nearly as bad as I was. I just feel lighter.
Now this is good and all...up until today. Something hit me today that made me very sad. I don't know how it really happened, but I was hit really hard with the fact that I think I might be the only optimist that I know of. I think about all of my friends and see some kind of burden that they carry around. Some people hate other people, some people don't open up and let their friends in, some people lie, some people assume bad of others, etc. It makes me sad.
Best Buy has been really active in setting some new rules to control normal problems of any retail store. I understand having to do all of it, but it makes me very sad that no one can trust anyone anymore. It's no wonder that I have friends that are afraid to open up and why I was afraid to open up. Trust is practically extinct from our world.
This realization kind of hit me hard because it made me think of people who I could trust. The sad part is, is that I trust almost anyone. Because I have become so open with myself, I now assume others are that way, when they aren't. It makes me sad because I used to be able to say this kind of stuff to someone that I whole-heartedly trusted, but I can't now.
Switching gears : Jon will probably read this, but that's ok.
All of this doubt that I have been feeling has kept leading me to one place. Jon. It's been about three weeks, I think, since we broke up, yet for some reason it feels longer. A lot has happened in those three weeks. All these changes that I have mentioned, pretty much happened within those three weeks. I stopped talking to him about a week ago, which turned out to fail, up until Saturday, but now I haven't spoken to him for 4 days, and it feels like a lifetime.
It took awhile for things to settle in, but I'm hitting that point now. For the three weeks that we haven't been together I have been a completely different person than I was when we were together. We ended our relationship because I need time to grow and find myself. I know it sounds generic, but it's unbelievably true. Even though he might not see it right now, Jon eventually will see that he needs that for himself too. The reality that we aren't together and that I shouldn't talk to him has finally set in. I had the biggest urge at work tonight to see something that I haven't dared look at for three weeks, and was actually lying in my attic. I currently am looking at it and loving it still even after 8 months of owning it and after everything that it was supposed to mean between me and Jon. It makes me miss what we had.
For all of you who don't want to hear the sappiness that I am about to begin, you don't have to keep reading.
Jon was my first. My first love, my first (and only) serious boyfriend, the first person I could open myself up to completely, my first everything. I remember how we were when we first started our relationship. We were inseparable. He was my best friend up to the day that we broke up. I still feel like he's my best friend, I just can't talk to him. He gave me everything and more. He never wanted anything, but for me to be happy, us to be happy. He loved me for me. He was the first boy to see me as beautiful. He was the first boy to never see a flaw in me. He was the first boy that made me feel like I was a princess that deserved anything I wanted, and all I wanted was him. Somewhere along the line though I lost myself. Something happened that changed things and even now I don't know what or who it was.
I don't know what will happen with me and Jon, but it can't get worse than what it already has, and that gives me hope. I do miss my friend. I do miss that comfort he gave me. I do miss what we had. I do miss that love. Right now this is for the best even though it's been the hardest thing I've ever gone through. Right now this is for the best, but that doesn't mean it won't hurt for a long time. Right now this is for the best even though I'm looking at the most precious thing he gave me and I'm sad.
I'm going to keep on being optimistic and I really hope that it rubs off on other people.
In the words of a very good friend:
"I will be happy
I am secure"
Sincerely,
The Ern
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Terminator Salvation Fails to Satisfy
!Minor Spoilers!
I am going to go down a list along with this video:
1. Christian Bale - he is most definitely the WORST John Connor I have yet to see in any of the terminator movies - and I'm a big fan of Bale. He had no emotional connection with any of the other characters and pretty much just tries to play Batman. The John Connors that I saw in the previous movies were very passionate about the human race and were constantly willing to sacrifice themselves for others. Bale creates this Connor who shows no compassion towards the human race until he learns that his life is in jeopardy. Granted, yes, if he dies so will the human race pretty much, but he does not show that the human race is his concern - he shows that his life is his only concern. For the entire movie Bale uses two levels of voice: a low "intense" speech (oddly similar to Batman's) and if he isn't doing that he is yelling. Also, I feel that it didn't make much sense that Connor would distrust Marcus right off the bat because so often in T2 and T3 he tried so hard to humanize the machines. Marcus was as humanized as possible and Connor randomly distrusts it the most? It made little sense.
2. They make the Terminator 600 tougher than the original Terminator in the first movie...making no sense if Skynet really was still trying to advance. The original Terminator came from year 2029 and would have melted right away if molten metal and fire was poured onto him yet the Terminator 600 was able to rise above it...? Hmmm? Also, just a tidbit - the computer animated Arnold had more personality than a majority of the actual human actors in this film...:/
3. This movie is totally for pansies :/
4. Anton Yelchin played the most memorable character in this film. He truly preserved the character of Kyle Reese from T1 and made a very believable younger version of that character. I truly believe that he really did study that film and broke down that character as Bale should have done with both of the Connor versions from 2 and 3. Yelchin gave the little amount of personality to T4 that everyone else should have also given.
5. Moon Bloodgood's character is absolutely pointless. The only this that was worth having her for was breaking Marcus out of the Resistors camp so he could save Kyle and all that could have been done dozens of ways. The relationship that was very awkwardly created between her and Marcus was a complete waste of time and money. It was awkward for the audience and completely unneccessary for the movie. None of the movies had romance in it except the small tidbit in T1 when John Connors was concieved - which was pretty damn important. Both directors for 1,2 & 3 were really good at keeping that annoying stuff out of the story unless absolutely necessary and all was shot to hell with this pointless relatioship with an even more pointless character.
6. I can't criticize Bryce Dallas Howard too much because they did not shine enough spotlight on her character. I like how Kate Connor is supposed to be 2nd in command under John Connor yet John is not at all in command and Kate is just a doctor - and also in T3 she was a vet...not a human doctor even. This is where a HUGE fault in the storyline develops. John is supposed to be leading the resistance yet from the opening scene he doesn't have control. Yes, he has control over the people through his broadcasts, but he is supposed to be the leader of the entire remaining human race and Kate is supposed to be 2nd in command and she barely has any spotlight whatsoever. She is a more important character, yet more emphasis is put on the Charlie's Angels remake character of Blare - played by Moon as said above.
All in all, this movie was one of the biggest dissapointments for me in a long time. As I said in the title of this entry: it left me very unsatisfied. Not only were the actors not connected to the characters or the audience, McG completely destroyed one of the most exciting and promising storylines that has been in these movies since T1 in '84. There were so many holes that had been layed into the director's hand by the past movies. Kyle Reese would have been killed right away had the machines found him the way they did and recognized him as John's father. He would not have been put in a cell where the machines would just wait for him to rot. The point of the war against machines, is that they are ruthless - doesn't anyone remember Arnold in T1? That is one of many holes/complaints and I could rant for hours on my disappointments about this movie.
There is a go on T5 with the same director and Bale as well - I am just hoping it will get cancelled on the account that this one will not make enough money. I don't regret seeing it because I feel that in order for one to consider themselves a movie fan that you must see the good and the bad, but I definitely don't recomend it to someone who has a wonderful vision of what John Connor's future holds. My vision was bright, but was shot down with McG's ignorance and absolute waste of money.
Sincerely,
The Ern
P.S. I apologize for spellin errors - I wrote this fast and late in the heat of my frustrations :)
I am going to go down a list along with this video:
1. Christian Bale - he is most definitely the WORST John Connor I have yet to see in any of the terminator movies - and I'm a big fan of Bale. He had no emotional connection with any of the other characters and pretty much just tries to play Batman. The John Connors that I saw in the previous movies were very passionate about the human race and were constantly willing to sacrifice themselves for others. Bale creates this Connor who shows no compassion towards the human race until he learns that his life is in jeopardy. Granted, yes, if he dies so will the human race pretty much, but he does not show that the human race is his concern - he shows that his life is his only concern. For the entire movie Bale uses two levels of voice: a low "intense" speech (oddly similar to Batman's) and if he isn't doing that he is yelling. Also, I feel that it didn't make much sense that Connor would distrust Marcus right off the bat because so often in T2 and T3 he tried so hard to humanize the machines. Marcus was as humanized as possible and Connor randomly distrusts it the most? It made little sense.
2. They make the Terminator 600 tougher than the original Terminator in the first movie...making no sense if Skynet really was still trying to advance. The original Terminator came from year 2029 and would have melted right away if molten metal and fire was poured onto him yet the Terminator 600 was able to rise above it...? Hmmm? Also, just a tidbit - the computer animated Arnold had more personality than a majority of the actual human actors in this film...:/
3. This movie is totally for pansies :/
4. Anton Yelchin played the most memorable character in this film. He truly preserved the character of Kyle Reese from T1 and made a very believable younger version of that character. I truly believe that he really did study that film and broke down that character as Bale should have done with both of the Connor versions from 2 and 3. Yelchin gave the little amount of personality to T4 that everyone else should have also given.
5. Moon Bloodgood's character is absolutely pointless. The only this that was worth having her for was breaking Marcus out of the Resistors camp so he could save Kyle and all that could have been done dozens of ways. The relationship that was very awkwardly created between her and Marcus was a complete waste of time and money. It was awkward for the audience and completely unneccessary for the movie. None of the movies had romance in it except the small tidbit in T1 when John Connors was concieved - which was pretty damn important. Both directors for 1,2 & 3 were really good at keeping that annoying stuff out of the story unless absolutely necessary and all was shot to hell with this pointless relatioship with an even more pointless character.
6. I can't criticize Bryce Dallas Howard too much because they did not shine enough spotlight on her character. I like how Kate Connor is supposed to be 2nd in command under John Connor yet John is not at all in command and Kate is just a doctor - and also in T3 she was a vet...not a human doctor even. This is where a HUGE fault in the storyline develops. John is supposed to be leading the resistance yet from the opening scene he doesn't have control. Yes, he has control over the people through his broadcasts, but he is supposed to be the leader of the entire remaining human race and Kate is supposed to be 2nd in command and she barely has any spotlight whatsoever. She is a more important character, yet more emphasis is put on the Charlie's Angels remake character of Blare - played by Moon as said above.
All in all, this movie was one of the biggest dissapointments for me in a long time. As I said in the title of this entry: it left me very unsatisfied. Not only were the actors not connected to the characters or the audience, McG completely destroyed one of the most exciting and promising storylines that has been in these movies since T1 in '84. There were so many holes that had been layed into the director's hand by the past movies. Kyle Reese would have been killed right away had the machines found him the way they did and recognized him as John's father. He would not have been put in a cell where the machines would just wait for him to rot. The point of the war against machines, is that they are ruthless - doesn't anyone remember Arnold in T1? That is one of many holes/complaints and I could rant for hours on my disappointments about this movie.
There is a go on T5 with the same director and Bale as well - I am just hoping it will get cancelled on the account that this one will not make enough money. I don't regret seeing it because I feel that in order for one to consider themselves a movie fan that you must see the good and the bad, but I definitely don't recomend it to someone who has a wonderful vision of what John Connor's future holds. My vision was bright, but was shot down with McG's ignorance and absolute waste of money.
Sincerely,
The Ern
P.S. I apologize for spellin errors - I wrote this fast and late in the heat of my frustrations :)
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
It's been one of those days
So it seems that recently I have been making my blogs more personal than I had planned, but nothing excites me enough in the world to write about it. Then I end up just writing about my life because it is the only thing that I really have to talk about. On this note, today was one of those days for me when I don't want to believe that it is me living it. I'm not actually all that behind in school work, but it feels like I am destitute. My days seem to go by too quickly for me to get anything done, but yet, my weeks are going by too slowly. I know that might seem like a contradictory statement, but it's what I am experiencing. With everything that I have planned for this next year, I am beyond ready for this semester to be overwith and I am trying to fight through it, but it is really hard. I, of course, am always having doubts whether I am doing the right thing or not and whether I will end up happy or not, but who doesn't have those doubts at my age? My biggest doubt is probably the fact that I am not happy now. I watched House the other day and it had a character who was finding the cure for cancer, but stopped because she wasn't happy doing what she was doing. She said that she didn't want to do what she is supposed to do; she wanted to do what she wanted to do. She said that the reason a lot of people don't take that chance is because they are somehow stuck where they are. Well, that was a huge hit on the head. Although I already know that I am stuck where I am for the moment, I keep getting scared that I will always feel stuck and never feel like I am truly doing what I want to do. I am trying to stay optimistic and make use of this semester, but it's hard when I am counting downt he days for it to be over. I try not to focus on the end, but when you have a goal, you focus on being successful with that goal.
The reason I feel somewhat unhappy now, is because I am so unbelievably excited about what is ahead. I am the kind of person that makes decisions quickly and acts on them even faster. With this change coming up, I really wanted to make it happen a lot faster than it is. I had things standing in my way that I had to take care of before actually acting on my decision, and so this makes the waiting almost unbearable. It's really bad, but I'm used to getting what I want. I will openly admit that I am very spoiled in that. Because I am used to that, it makes not getting it right away very hard. The worst part of the waiting, too, is the fact that I don't feel like I can complain about it because that just gets annoying after a while. I can't talk to anyone about how I'm feeling, because they all already know and there are other people with harder issues than I have. So waiting, and waiting alone, is misery. Ok, well that is a little dramatic, but it gets my point across. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Sincerely,
The Ern
The reason I feel somewhat unhappy now, is because I am so unbelievably excited about what is ahead. I am the kind of person that makes decisions quickly and acts on them even faster. With this change coming up, I really wanted to make it happen a lot faster than it is. I had things standing in my way that I had to take care of before actually acting on my decision, and so this makes the waiting almost unbearable. It's really bad, but I'm used to getting what I want. I will openly admit that I am very spoiled in that. Because I am used to that, it makes not getting it right away very hard. The worst part of the waiting, too, is the fact that I don't feel like I can complain about it because that just gets annoying after a while. I can't talk to anyone about how I'm feeling, because they all already know and there are other people with harder issues than I have. So waiting, and waiting alone, is misery. Ok, well that is a little dramatic, but it gets my point across. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Sincerely,
The Ern
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