Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Long Time No See

It's been a while since I posted something on here. A lot has changed since then; most for the better, some for the worst.

I'm an optimist now.

When I started this blog, if I can remember correctly when that was, I was in a place in my life where I didn't see a lot to look forward to. I was at a school that I hate where I had no one to look to or even talk to other than 2 dimensional conversations in my classes. I missed being home so much, and therefore couldn't get a job because I knew that I would be home for three months in the summer. I barely talked to my family and the most important thing in my life at that point, Jon, was slipping through my fingers without me realizing. All of this was very hard on me and it took a toll on me through my personal life and my school work.

Almost everything is completely opposite from that now. I go to a school that I enjoy while living at home, which means I get to see my family on a very regular basis. I am forming friendships, slowly but surely, with people at school and with people that I work with. I have a job that, frankly, I love, whether that is because I looked so long for a job or that I just really like Best Buy or even a combo of the two.

The one thing that isn't opposite is Jon. I let him fall through my fingers. I used him as a crutch when I was at IU and that wasn't fair to him, but I thank God for him during that time, because I don't know if I would have made it through.

On to the point that I am really trying to get to - I'm now an optimist. It's a very good thing in the sense that I am happy. I am happier than I have been for a while now. I see things in a much lighter way. I'm a realistic optimist. I don't take things too seriously unless absolutely necessary because it's just a waste of time when it's not a big deal. I'm finding that through this optimism, I have become a better person, too. I've learned to open up and not be afraid to let people in. I don't lie about anything, when I used to lie to get out of things like hanging out with someone or skip class, etc, I do admit. I try to cherish every moment of my life if I can. I'm still stressed, but not nearly as bad as I was. I just feel lighter.

Now this is good and all...up until today. Something hit me today that made me very sad. I don't know how it really happened, but I was hit really hard with the fact that I think I might be the only optimist that I know of. I think about all of my friends and see some kind of burden that they carry around. Some people hate other people, some people don't open up and let their friends in, some people lie, some people assume bad of others, etc. It makes me sad.

Best Buy has been really active in setting some new rules to control normal problems of any retail store. I understand having to do all of it, but it makes me very sad that no one can trust anyone anymore. It's no wonder that I have friends that are afraid to open up and why I was afraid to open up. Trust is practically extinct from our world.

This realization kind of hit me hard because it made me think of people who I could trust. The sad part is, is that I trust almost anyone. Because I have become so open with myself, I now assume others are that way, when they aren't. It makes me sad because I used to be able to say this kind of stuff to someone that I whole-heartedly trusted, but I can't now.

Switching gears : Jon will probably read this, but that's ok.
All of this doubt that I have been feeling has kept leading me to one place. Jon. It's been about three weeks, I think, since we broke up, yet for some reason it feels longer. A lot has happened in those three weeks. All these changes that I have mentioned, pretty much happened within those three weeks. I stopped talking to him about a week ago, which turned out to fail, up until Saturday, but now I haven't spoken to him for 4 days, and it feels like a lifetime.

It took awhile for things to settle in, but I'm hitting that point now. For the three weeks that we haven't been together I have been a completely different person than I was when we were together. We ended our relationship because I need time to grow and find myself. I know it sounds generic, but it's unbelievably true. Even though he might not see it right now, Jon eventually will see that he needs that for himself too. The reality that we aren't together and that I shouldn't talk to him has finally set in. I had the biggest urge at work tonight to see something that I haven't dared look at for three weeks, and was actually lying in my attic. I currently am looking at it and loving it still even after 8 months of owning it and after everything that it was supposed to mean between me and Jon. It makes me miss what we had.

For all of you who don't want to hear the sappiness that I am about to begin, you don't have to keep reading.

Jon was my first. My first love, my first (and only) serious boyfriend, the first person I could open myself up to completely, my first everything. I remember how we were when we first started our relationship. We were inseparable. He was my best friend up to the day that we broke up. I still feel like he's my best friend, I just can't talk to him. He gave me everything and more. He never wanted anything, but for me to be happy, us to be happy. He loved me for me. He was the first boy to see me as beautiful. He was the first boy to never see a flaw in me. He was the first boy that made me feel like I was a princess that deserved anything I wanted, and all I wanted was him. Somewhere along the line though I lost myself. Something happened that changed things and even now I don't know what or who it was.

I don't know what will happen with me and Jon, but it can't get worse than what it already has, and that gives me hope. I do miss my friend. I do miss that comfort he gave me. I do miss what we had. I do miss that love. Right now this is for the best even though it's been the hardest thing I've ever gone through. Right now this is for the best, but that doesn't mean it won't hurt for a long time. Right now this is for the best even though I'm looking at the most precious thing he gave me and I'm sad.

I'm going to keep on being optimistic and I really hope that it rubs off on other people.

In the words of a very good friend:

"I will be happy
I am secure"

Sincerely,
The Ern

1 comment:

Murry said...

Sister. This is awesome. So awesome I cried. I miss you and I am so happy you are finally happy.

LOVE you!